The Crack Files: Lucy
by Starmz
Summary: drabbles. one-shots with references! humour. hints of romance. a dash of drama. mix those together, and what happens? hilarity ensues, that's what! random ideas floating around put into words. this story resembles a crack-fic and is not supposed to be taken seriously. the first of the crack files, and focusing prominently on lucy ; our favourite blonde femme main character.
1. Entry I LxBm

**AN: Hello, everybody! This is my first Fairy Tail story ever published on FF, so I apologize if I seem to write anyone out-of-character!**

Wendy: But, Starmz, isn't this supposed to be a crack-fic? So it doesn't matter, ne?

Lucy: Uhn! This is all for the hilarity!

Starmz: W-well... Thank you for believing in me. I hope I can live up to your expectations!

Natsu: Alright, I'm all fired up!

Happy: Aye sir!

**Genre:** Humour/Romance/Drama

**Rating:** T to be safe, though most of the chapters could be considered K+

**Themes: **Random, purely based on one-word/brief prompts I get from friends

**Disclaimer: The usual stuff. Fairy Tail does not belong to me (I wish!), and instead was created by Hiro Mashima. This story and writing, however, does.**

* * *

_Greetings._

The boatman could still recall his first time seeing the beautiful blonde girl. It had been just before the sun set, an hour one may place in the category of 'late afternoon'. He'd been admiring the sky, for his job required not much strength nor skill, and the man could afford to relax.

As always at this time, the sun had painted the sky a stunning array of vivid colours. Deep reds, fiery oranges and light yellows blended into each other, creating a wonderfully complementary gradient. A small smile appeared on his face, feeling thankful that at this point in his life, he was still able to witness such miracles of nature. Yet the boatman was soon to revel in the sight of something that, dare he think, rivaled the sky in it's magnificence.

For a newcomer had arrived, a slight girl with flaxen blonde hair. Her figure was, undoubtedly, not something to laugh at, but what drew him most to her was her soft brown eyes. As a shy smile of her own graced her fair face, he marveled in this young lady's gentle expression. It was as if sunlight itself had been born within her.

Fortunately for the boatman, he was not yet so distracted that his head hit the bridge right in front of him. Ducking down hastily, he swiftly turned around, hoping that she hadn't disappeared. And there she was. Except now she seemed to be holding something shiny, glinting in the fading light. Squinting, he tried to make out what it was. _A … key?_ Strange, but then he shouldn't have expected such beauty to come without catches.

However, what happened next was not something he'd quite expected. The well-endowed figure had instead slashed the key in the air, shouting a few brief words and summoning some kind of creature. Perhaps it was a mutated animal? Though the boatman preferred to appear calm and composed, his mildly surprised expression betrayed him. Then a relenting smile made the corners of his lips turn up. After all, he lived in a city with a guild for mages. What else should he have expected?

As he neared the end of his near-daily route, the man was suddenly struck by an urge to call out to her. To let her know he was here. Not to introduce himself, per se, but simply to give her a friendly face to recognize while she was still here. Who knew, could she be moving in? It was a possibility he was willing to entertain. She was actually fairly pretty and it may do him good.

Deciding to proceed with this nerve-racking matter, the boatman summoned up every ounce of his courage and yelled at the girl, "Hey! Lady, make sure you don't fall in, okay?"

One deliciously warm smile as she thought about what she'd reply with.

One heartbeat full of worry and various other unidentifiable emotions.

"Of course, I'll try my best!"

Little did he know that he had started a tradition that would continue on as long as Lucy Heartfilia, the noble but innocent girl lived in that little house that costed 70,000 jewels monthly.

* * *

_/ So I hope I didn't do too badly!_

_Please review and comment on what you liked/disliked – and I'll be accepting requests both for this 'story' and another drabble story I plan to start! This is only the first in the Crack Files, which I'll be making for each main character … and maybe a few more, if the audience demands it? I also apologize for any mistakes, that'd be purely my fault. I did not get somebody to beta-read this, as I did not believe this would require much proof-reading (being something that shouldn't be taken seriously) ^^;_

_Until then, sayonara and stay happy!_


	2. Entry II Diggy diggy

**AN:** **Gomen ne about the last chapter! I just had to put the idea down. Perhaps I should move it to my Fluff Diaries? But then it's not really fluffy... Hmm. And I feel that the Boatman x Lucy would be considered a crack pairing so I guess I'll leave it here for now. Or should I make it a stand-alone oneshot? Gah.**

**Rating: **T/K+

**Genre: **Humour

**Brief synopsis:** Lucy summons Virgo to dig holes with her. However, after a long while (for she seems to be so scatterbrained as to not even mention her goal), Lucy wonders as to why she even wanted to start digging in the first place.

**Disclaimer:** The usual; Fairy Tail does not belong to me – because if I did I'd play havoc on the characters' emotions :3

Gajeel: Gee-hee.

Gray: Stop babbling and get on with the story already!

Starmz: Okay, okay. The crack starts … now!

* * *

_Digging a hole … for a reason forgotten_

Lucy had summoned Virgo several hours ago, and the maid had willingly appeared, following up with the usual: "Are you going to punish me, princess?" Giving the purple-haired spirit an awkward smile, she backed away a little and shook her head.

"Oh, no. I just want you to focus on digging a hole for me, please!"

"Of course, princess. Where?"

"Right here."

"Are you going to punish me later, princess?"

"What – No! Of course not."

Leaving Virgo to focus on the task on hand, Lucy stepped back, interested in finding a shovel and helping out. _Two heads are, after all, better than one._ The Celestial Spirit mage started searching around for one, before eventually deciding that she should just go and buy one herself. Turning around, Lucy told Virgo to "Stay here and don't move. Just continue what you're doing, alright?" Giving her spirit a bright smile, the girl then rushed off to buy a shovel. That is, if she could find a store that would sell her one.

In the end, it took her all of half an hour to complete this meagre task. Panting from the exertion of running around the whole of Magnolia, Lucy finally went back to the same spot she left Virgo in, expecting her maid to greet her with a request for punishment. However, what she saw was not someone with a maid outfit and violet locks, but several deep holes scattered around the clearing. Her mouth fell open as she surveyed her surroundings, worry starting to build up in her. _I knew Virgo was a enthusiastic digger, but I thought she had enough restraint to avoid doing this again!_

Truly, she was naïve. Gaping, a small squeak was the only indication of her shock and horror. Then she burst out laughing. Virgo, hearing this, briskly came up to the surface. She had, naturally, been underground continuing to dig holes – just like her owner had commanded her to. Lucy did not immediately take note of Virgo's newly arrived presence until the spirit had walked up to her and asked her, "Shall I be punished now, princess?"

Chestnut eyes blazing, Lucy frowned severely, stifling her laughter. It had been strange, her reaction (which had been to laugh), but now she was serious. Or as serious as someone holding a shovel in front of several gigantic holes could be.

"No, Virgo. Though I am sorely tempted. I mean, I know you love digging but – this is a whole lot of holes. And it's a whole lot of hard-to-repair damage."

Lucy wasn't exactly mad, but it would be stretching the truth to say that Lucy was not just a little bit annoyed. After all, her instructions had been to dig one hole. _One_ hole. She had said that right? Sighing, Lucy felt all her exhaustion get the better of her and nodded to Virgo.

"I guess it's alright though. Just more holes to find … to find … um."

"Oh yes, princess, you never told me what we were looking for."

"Well … I mean … I think we were digging for treasure. Yes! That must be it."

"Okay then, princess."

Giving her spirit a relenting smile, the blonde started shovelling dirt out of her way, furiously digging. Virgo'd been here for a while and even if she was a spirit and had higher tolerance levels, they still felt. They were still real. Lucy vowed to make up for what Virgo had done previously, and as someone who understood the value of contracts and promises, she was somebody who never ever went back on their genuinely sincere word. Ever.

Hours later, Lucy wasn't quite so sure she had made the right choice. Now her hands were chaffed from the long, tedious efforts she'd put into digging, even with Virgo's gloves from the Spirit world not preventing them from chapping. Her lips were dry and she hadn't had a drop of water in the past hour. She was sure that her hair was messy and that she was a real sore sight right now. Frowning, she glanced over at Virgo, who was still hard at work as ever. _Tireless, she is._ Pasting on a forced smile, Lucy continued digging. And digging. And so forth.

Huffing, after two more hours of digging the sky had drawn it's cloak of night, with miniature little diamonds sparkling in the sky. Wiping her forehead with a grimy, gloved hand, Lucy puffed a strand of hair out of her face before getting out of the hole and looking for Virgo.

"Virgo? Have you found what we were digging for yet?"

As if by magic, the maid appeared from the ground, spiralling upwards and landing on her feet gracefully. "Yes, Lucy?" The female wizard only smiled at Virgo and awaited an answer. A silence of two seconds followed before invisible exclamation marks appeared around Virgo's head, and Lucy sweat-dropped.

"Princess, it is very inelegant for you to look like that. Anyway, you never told me what exactly we were looking for, so I am not sure if I have found it. Am I going to be punished now?"

Immediately Lucy's sweat-drop receded and she tipped her head curiously. _If I never told Virgo … then why were we digging this hole? I mean, really! What was the point? Perhaps I know. Well, of course I know! I'm the one who ordered her to dig it!_

Racking her brain, Lucy attempted to look thoughtful as she gazed off in the distance. _Ugh! This isn't working!_ Annoyed, Lucy exhaled and turned back to Virgo.

"Gomenesai, I seem to have forgotten what we were digging holes for..."

"My. It's okay, princess, I enjoyed getting to spend quality time digging holes with you."

"I'm so sorry, Virgo. You can go back now."

Nodding, Virgo turned around, ready to go back home before she faced Lucy, a mischievous glimmer in her aqua eyes. Lucy raised one eyebrow, questioning Virgo's reason for staying.

"Actually, princess, I think I'll stay here for a while."

"Well, sure – whatever floats your boat."

"Princess, I have no boat to float."

Giggling lightly at Virgo's ignorance, Lucy shrugged her shoulders and stepped away, heading towards her house. That is, she would have, had she not instantly dropped into a hole. One of the holes they'd been digging.

"Kyaaaaa!" Lucy's squeals could be heard until a hard 'thump!' resounded at the bottom, and Virgo peered down at her, the spirit's expression not showing the faintest trace of amusement. Though Lucy was grateful that she wasn't laughing at her, she wasn't quite sure if it unnerved her more that seeing Virgo like that was as if Virgo couldn't feel emotions that made us, well, human. _No, of course she can! She's just immensely loyal and obviously has good self-restraint when it comes to decorum._

Staring up, she sighed. Stuck in a rut. How far down had she come? Calling up to her spirit, Lucy flailed her arms uselessly around her.

"Virgo! Can you please help me get out?"

"Of course, princess! Just wait there."

"Arigatou- ahhhh!"

Lucy was definitely out of the hole, but she'd been hauled up in the clumsiest of manners. Brushing the dirt from her skirt, she closed her eyes, trying to relax herself.

"You know, my arm was almost pulled from my socket there, Virgo."

"Princess, I would never have done that. I was careful to be gentle."

"... How crazy powerful are you spirits anyway?"

Smiling up at her friend, Lucy smoothed out her hair and then gave the shackled lady an appreciative nod.

"I'm thankful for your help though."

"By the way, princess … your underwear was showing."

"What?"

And just at that moment, a certain salmon-haired boy and his Exceed companion, a light blue cat decided to pop out from behind a bush.

"She's right, Luce! I could totally see your underwe-"

"Urusai¹!"

"Aye!"

The only sounds that could be heard after that were the cries of Natsu as Lucy pummelled him. Of course, Natsu was crying through his laughter; Lucy, in his mind, was never going to be strong enough to hurt him.

"Princess, shall I receive punishment now?"

"Forced gate closure!"

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_So hopefully that was a little more amusing~ Please remember to read and review, because that gives me a little idea of what you guys like and want. :) Until next time!_

_¹ – As explained in the Fluff Diaries, Urusai is the rough equivalent of Shut up_


End file.
